|March 27, 2013||Posted by under In The Spirit Book Club|
When The One You Love Leaves You For Another
When The One You Love Leaves You For Another
By [http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=Suzette_Hinton]Suzette Hinton
You wanted to be her hero. You wanted to show her that all men aren’t dogs. You wanted to show her that you’re a good man. You wanted to be to him what she wasn’t. You wanted to show him that you’re a good woman. That he can trust you. Then you look up one day and she’s back with her ex. And despite the passionate words and kisses he gave you that made your head light and your heart melt, he leaves you for someone else.
Nobody likes to be left. It sucks. Regardless of what age you are or your station in life, it still hurts like heck when you’ve given your time and your energy–staying up until 2:00 in the morning listening to their somebody-done-me-wrong song–only to be left for another.
I feel you, I really do. But could it be possible that the person who left you wasn’t at fault? Okay, okay, before you throw a book at me, just take a deep breath and listen. I’m not saying that it was okay that you were left or that you deserved it. No, not at all. When someone is hurting, it is inherent in men to seek to problem solve and women to nurture. We certainly don’t need to change that, but we do need to infuse what’s natural with some often overlooked truths.
Truth: A wounded person is…well…wounded. Wounded people seek pain relief. And moreover, wounded people are too consumed with their own emotional discomfort to see you as anything other than Tylenol.
I remember liking a guy who didn’t know that I liked him. Rather than make my feelings known, I stood back. When the opportunity presented itself, I thought, “okay, he’s not attached anymore, here’s my chance.” We dated. I doted. Then the shock to my heart–ole boy up and got married. I was devastated.
In retrospect, I didn’t understand the time nor the season he was in. I didn’t understand that gratitude and preference are two different things. A vulnerable man or woman may respond sexually or romantically to your attentiveness. A love interest may say “thank you” and truly appreciate you being there, but if your motivation is the hope that they’ll choose you, you are setting yourself up for a big disappointment. I didn’t understand that. Think about it, if anyone is in enough pain, he will take a whole lot of pain reliever. Then after he’s done hurting, it goes right back on the shelf.
Please pass the Tylenol; don’t BE the Tylenol. Until you understand this, you’ll put yourself in one compromising position after another. I certainly did. Anger, disillusionment or depression always followed: I’d make him out to be the bad guy. I felt spurned. Thank God, as Iyanla Vanzant put it, “one day my soul just opened up.” I became aware of a simple yet powerful truth–no one commits to the pain reliever. I had to change.
This is where it gets tricky. Most of us think that changing means isolation. We isolate from the source of our pain. We write off the ones who hurt us and keep getting up to the next person. We might even create situations so that we can leave them; or worst, shut ourselves down so that no other man or woman will EVER hurt us again. In my opinion, this is the ultimate cop out.
You have to own your part. You have to take responsibility for what you did. If the truth be told, you had a hidden agenda. Convincing this person that you were what he needed was your motivation. You only gave to get. So who’s at fault? Who was using whom? Who was taking an unfair advantage? Let’s get down to the real. Wounded people seek relief from other wounded people. At the most, you were using each other. He was seeking pain relief. You were seeking validation.
Another important truth: Need often masquerades as love. Need can invoke the same intense feelings, thoughts and desires. So how do you tell the difference? Need desires to satisfy itself above all else where love puts the well-being of the other person at the forefront.
With this in mind, take my advice: Don’t look to another person, wounded or otherwise, for validation. Give yourself the attention that you desire.
Suzette R. Hinton, SAC-I, Certified Life and Mentor Coach, Counselor and Mother. Graduate of CANA, Inc. and Founder of Purposeful Connections. Suzette believes that purpose is not only a destination but it is the energy that pushes us toward its fulfillment.
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